Depression

Depression is a state of existence marked by a sense of being pressed down, weighed down, or burdened, which affects a person physically, mentally, spiritually, and relationally.

Last week my wife asked me if I thought I was depressed. I asked her why she thought that? She said "Well I went to church today and two of the people who asked where you were asked if you might be depressed." Hmmmm, I thought to myself, maybe I should go online and take a depression test. That's what the 21rst century folks do right? GOOGLE BABY!. So off I went and I pulled up the first website that offered a screening on depression. I took the test carefully and pushed "get results" and it took be back to the first page, frustrated that I might have pushed a wrong button or something I took the test again. Again, it went back to the first page, after the third time of filling out this questionnaire I was for the first time beginning to feel depressed.

The topic of Depression is common in conversations that I have with Christians. Most of them who I speak with about it have tried every way they know to get help short of health professionals. 6 or 7 years ago I was leaving the church parking lot where I was the Worship Leader and a friend comes wheeling in the parking lot and asks me "Are you depressed?" What a strange question I said why would you think that?
My friend asked me 5 or so questions which I answered yes to 4 of the 5 and my friend wisely said you should see someone, I have a name for you. That was some of the best advice I had ever received.

I had no idea that I was suffering from depression, but my friends noticed changes in my behaviour that triggered them to ask. I was not sad, had no thoughts of suicide, but I found myself wanting to be alone more, avoiding phone calls, sleeping more, but never feeling rested, eating more but never getting full, and the joy I used to find in hobbies and activities had disappeared. Then of course there was my relationship with God, once vibrant and constant, I sought isolation even from him. While I felt no sadness, now I had a distinct absence of joy, I guess you could say numbness, fatigue, a feeling of being overwhelmed by every task and commitment, a deep sense of worthlessness and shame was about the sum of my existence. I was still able to preform my job, even help others during their struggles somewhat. But personally it was all I could do to get out of bed and do the list of tasks that had to be done for the day.

I saw the counselor that my friend recommended and found much slow relief. This depression seemed to be situational, my life had become overwhelming and my body and spirit or mind was growing weary and becoming incapable of dealing with it. My counselor began dealing with every heavy issue one thing at a time, giving me strategies to cope, reminding me constantly of Gods total and unconditional love for me, and Gods deep concern for me and desire to help me. My depression had started in the Situational realm but had gone into the Spiritual realm also. I began to feel without value to God even though I knew that not be true, I was unable to convince myself. Surprisingly during this time I could convince others of their deep value and worth I was just unable to convince myself.

I slowly lost the feelings that plagued me and eventually they were replaced with good feelings again. I was very fortunate that my form of depression had not yet entered biological, so I was able to get relief without medication. But so many Christians are afraid of medications for depression, I personally believe that they are a gift from God. Having seen first hand so many times how medication with a multi-faceted approach can absolutely change lives.

So now getting back to whether I am depressed or not, well I don't seem to have the ability to check that myself, but I am beginning to recognize patterns and signs that I have seen before. I sleep but find little rest, I eat but am not satisfied, I worship and feel no peace, I smile and feel no joy. I am productive still but am Isolating, and find it a task to do the things that used to bring pleasure.

Situationally things are pretty good, but over the last 3 years I and my family dealt with the long slow death of my mother. My wife told me that I have not been the same since that time. I do recognize that. I really don't feel sadness or despair, but the numbness has begun again. Though I know I am loved and that God loves me I have become unable to feel that love.

I have not lost my insight as a matter of fact I have two friends who over the last week I have noticed some common signs, and while many feelings are gone right now, compassion is still my primary gift. I will talk with my friends and see if I can help.

I am an Elder in my church, and the Church universal has not had a very good record on this subject over the years. We sweep it under the rug, or totally spiritualize it minimizing other core causes, or we dismiss it outright and say "Shape up, be full of the Joy of the Lord." That is kind of like telling an insomniac they would be better if they just got more sleep. Turns out that the bible seems to have its share of depressed people some of them even authors and kings. So I write this hoping that others who feel this way can come out into the open, the light, and that the shadow of stigma will be dispelled by the light of the truth. The truth that God understands depression, and loves us through the depression though we cannot feel it or see it sometimes, and in that knowledge our shame has no place to reside. Look over your life, are there any friends you have that you have seen changes in that concern you? Friends who don't return calls or emails, that don't want to do the same things they used to, that now seem to converse on a more superficial level, are fidgity, eat way too much or not enough, sleep too much or not enough, friends who used to smile and now don't. Pray for them. Talk to them, love them.